Amazon HQ USA

SEATTLE — After a search for a new location lasting more than a year, a massive dome was seen descending from the sky and enclosing the whole nation as Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced to a horrified American populace that it was now living inside his company’s second headquarters.

The impenetrable steel dome, which reportedly stretches from coast to coast and from the Mexican to the Canadian border, will house a state-of-the-art campus that serves as the online retailer’s long-awaited new base of operations.

Amazon executives said that while they were impressed with the many proposals they received from cities across the country, they ultimately decided the location best suited to their ever-growing needs was the entirety of the continental United States.

“For the sake of convenience, your Prime membership fees will be automatically deducted each pay period, and all wages will be paid in the form of Amazon gift cards. What’s more, every employee in good standing will receive one free Audible download per month!”

– The Onion

In reality… sort of: After conducting a yearlong search for a second home, Amazon has switched gears and is now finalizing plans to have a total of 50,000 employees in two locations.

The company is nearing a deal to move to the Long Island City neighborhood of Queens, AND the Crystal City area of Arlington, Va., a Washington suburb.

Amazon already has more employees in those two areas than anywhere else outside of Seattle, its home base, and the Bay Area.